Big Sloppy’s Lament
Thursday July 27th 2006, 12:39 pm
Filed under: Food

It couldn’t be helped. It had to be attempted. Willie’s Sports Cafe’s Big Sloppy. The great burger overlord. The one burger to rule them all. Two sleep-inducing 1/2 pound Angus patties on three buns with four slices of cheese, tartar sauce, and 8 artery-clogging slices of bacon. With fries. The first problem of course is getting it in your mouth. After a bit of smooshing and mashing, I finally got it down to a height that just barely fit in my mouth. The main problem, however, is eating it all. Over one pound of meat just waiting to cause gastroinestinal distress. Oh, Big Sloppy, you are more than a meal. 1/4 of the way through it, Big Sloppy seemed to get bigger with each bite. 1/3 of the way through and Big Sloppy was openly mocking me; grinning it’s tartar sauce grin. Halfway through with my heart palpitating and my left arm tingly I finally had to throw in the towel and concede defeat to the demon of Big Sloppy. Oh Big Sloppy, instigator of naps, intestinal rupturer, catalyst of cardiac arrest. My cholesterol has surely doubled, though I fear I may come to lament my ill-fated battle with Big Sloppy even more as he wreaks his terrible vengeance on my bowels… No mortal can be a match for Big Sloppy. Big Sloppy I fear you.

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